Episode One: Is thy water holier than thou?
Dear Father Wingnut: Our Vic, who seems clearly lacking in testosterone, has badly abused my parish, completely neglecting to change out the water in the baptismal font on a regular basis. This is deeply distressing to me, as I often require a cooling bath in which to refresh my overheated parts. (I might also note that, of late, he has taken to wearing his deceased mother's jewelry and to weaping profusely while in the pulpit.) I'm beginning to suspect that he is either a secret Anabaptist or a crypto-Calvinist. Is therefore Anglicanism wholly false and, to boot, utterly null and void? Signed, -- A Spy in the House of Love.
Dear Spy, Without doubt! It is typical of these heterodox sorts to claim that there are only two Scriptural Sacramentals, one of which is gin (Amos 3:5). Are the following words, adhering to some antique Henrician plaque, found secured on the underside of your Communion Table? (If so, return it immediately for a full refund.)
Let the minister on each day instruct the people on the right and godly use of every ceremony. On every Sunday let him declare that holy water is sprinkled in remembrance of our baptism and of the sprinkling of the blood of Christ. On every Sunday let holy bread be given, to remind men of the housel, or Eucharist, which in the beginning of the Christian Church was received more often than now, and in sign of unity, for as the bread is made of many grains so are all Christian men one mystical body of Christ. Let candles be borne at Candlemas, but in memory of Christ, the spiritual light. On Ash Wednesday let ashes be given to every Christian man to remind him that he is dust and ashes. On Palm Sunday let palms be borne, but let it be declared that it is in memory of Christ’s entry into Jerusalem. Let it be declared on Good Friday, that creeping to the Cross and kissing the Cross signify humility and the memory of our redemption. They are signs and tokens, not the workers nor the works, of our salvation.
Indeed, it wouldn't surprise me to find that your impoverished "church" does not even possess a properly blessed and fully operational sanctification rod!
Your Vic probably claims that one Percy Dearmer established that sanctification rods were never found in Britain proper, prior to the Reformation. Unfortunately, his so-called evidence was spurious, rendering his argument completely phallacious. I therefore strongly suggest that your only hope is to find a licit Albanian Orthodox Church Outside Albania (AOCOA) community as soon as humanly possible. And may the Holy Rod remain upon you and within you always.
Very truly yours, + Fr. Wingnut.